The past week or so has been crazy. My boyfriend and I took a day trip to the beach for Memorial Day, enjoyed a BBQ at my brothers, I got sick with a sinus infection and bronchitis, went to a baseball game yesterday with about 25 other people, and today we celebrated a belated Mother’s Day with a brunch. While all these things were a lot of fun (minus the being sick, of course) I do not feel happy.
I truly have been having some pretty good days recently. And to that I am SO grateful for. I even spent the whole day on the beach in a bikini without covering up what I call “my fatness.” I have truly been trying to eat at regular intervals, take my meds, and get some good sleep. Slow but steady…but all steps forward.
However I feel as if things are coming to a head as well. While all these things are great steps in the right direction my mind is doing somersaults. My head keeps telling me to give up but my heart keeps telling me to keep going. I want to be happy and content more than anything however I also want that picture to contain thinness and love of my body…my thin, trim, fit body. Not my ever growing flabby one.
One of those friends I went to the game with yesterday I have not seen in a long time. Things have not been going her way the last few months. Her boyfriend was cheating, left her broken hearted, and then her dog died. For obvious reasons she has been depressed. She started noticing she was loosing weight and not trying to at all. At first she, like every other woman, was happy to have lost those last 10 pounds that we can never seem “to get rid of.” After that she couldn’t stop. I believe her when she said she really wasn’t trying anymore and began to even look sickly to herself. Long story short she is going through all kinds of tests to try and figure what is going on with her body. I am concerned for her and her health. But then again I find myself more focused on her weight and weight loss more than anything. I guess it comes down to jealousy. I would kill to look like her.
My friends issues have been a source of conversation for the last few weeks. And every time it comes up I cringe. I seriously would kill to be at her weight. She said something yesterday that baffled me and made me realize just how distorted my thoughts really are. “I knew something was wrong when I would get dressed and see my bones sticking out. It’s disgusting. I look disgusting.”
So normal people don’t think bones are beautiful? Am I just that crazy? I would kill to have my hip bones sticking out, collar bones look like they are floating, and cheek bones that reach the sky.
I just want to cry when I think about the selfish nature of myself and thoughts. But then I get a glimpse of my reflection and that makes me want cry even more.