racing thoughts November 25, 2012

(drafted 11/22/12)

there is so much i want to say. yet i can put them in any sort of cohesive order recently. so im just gonna go…

1. guilt. i have so much guilt. and my family is SO good at laying on the guilt trips. i spend too much time with my bf. i dont do anything around the house. i dont baby-sit our alcoholic mother enough.

2. fear. im scared. my ed has taken on a life almost of its own. yet i try to rationalize it by saying well its not as bad as it was. but then again it always starts somewhere…

3. anger. im tired of everything….the guilt trips, my ed, how it hurts everyone around me, the pressure to be everywhere and do everything for everyone, the pressure to be perfect, the thought that my ed is a ploy for attention. that especially PISSES me the fuck off! if my ed is a cry for attention why do i try to hide it from, well, everyone.

4. apathy. but do i really care. would i rather this just kill me now and spare the world anymore pain, annoyance, time, space, and oxygen.

“me time” November 13, 2012

i wish i could just turn my brain off sometimes. i am supposed to spend sometime working on myself every week. this is the first time im doing it. and i just don’t know what im suppose to do. because even when im supposed to be focusing on me and getting better the only thing that happens is my mind races. it’s so annoying. i seriously give myself headaches because my mind just never stops. im thinking about all that i have to do for school, what other people need me to do, feeling guilty about one thing or another, or work. i just want a break. i want a break from life. i just want to relax and lay around by myself and watch tv….im sorry but is that selfish? but i need to be in a bubble with no food, no money, and no access to go and get food.

with that being said the question of ‘do i really want to recover’ crossed my mind again today. it’s a really difficult and loaded question [....as i down my laxatives with my mag citrate.] honestly it hurts to think that my life has become so obsessed and pre-occupied with food and my ed. i don’t want this to hurt anyone, especially my family, but at the same time i just want it to hurt me. i know im hard on myself, i am my own worst enemy, but the truth is i feel as if i don’t deserve to treat myself better. i have done nothing to make me deserve to live a peachy life. i don’t know…i just don’t know.

but what i do know is im tired of myself. im tired of my head allllllways spinning and racing. its like my mind has been running a marathon for the last 10+ years. will i ever cross the finish line?

shambles… November 7, 2012

It has been a little while since I have posted anything. My life has been very hectic and chaotic recently. And while I haven’t found time to post anything i have made plenty of time to allow my ED to completely take over again.

For the past few weeks i have been lying to my dietician/therapist, mom, family, friends, boyfriend, and myself. I was making up food records and claiming to have only used my ED symptoms a few times. This is not true. i am embarrassed by my dishonesty and lack of respect for those who care about me. Today, halfway through my therapy session, i broke down and came clean. It definitely was a little relieving to my surmounting anxiety. However it did not help with any of my current urges. Right after the session I got in the car and drove directly up to school (a 2 and a half hour ride.) I made it to the first major town before i found myself hovering over a toilet in Wal-Mart deciding that if anyone says anything to “the girl puking in the bathroom” i would go with the “oh, im ok. just some morning sickness…” excuse. PATHETIC!

My next step was to call a friend from TK—> no answer.  Then called TK to talk to another friend—>she was at an offsite meeting. So i was alone with my thoughts which led to tears. And the tears did not stop still. Sitting in front of my computer for 3 hours trying to figure out 3 Stats problems and then to hear my country has officially gone to the shitter with bo-bama being re-elected. So even if i ever needed to go back to treatment it wouldn’t be covered by insurance. i don’t think treatment is for me…kind of like a been there, done that; been there, done that; been there……ya get the point.

Well, with all that being said, i do not know what to do. i am truly afraid of what i am doing. i guess im really questioning if i really can recover or if i even want to at that. it’s not like i havent been around the block before…i know the skills, i know what i am supposed to do, i know which is the “right” thing to do but it’s as if there is a complete mental block when it comes to the fact of me putting them into action.

my life has gone to shambles….it has been completely consumed by insane compulsively obsessive thoughts of food, weight, calories, numbers, where im going to purge, how im going to restrict…etc.

slope = how fast you fall October 16, 2012

its kind of funny…in statistics we just learned about slope and linear regression. the way my prof defined slope as “the number before X in y=mx+p”. i have a different definition of slope when it comes to recovery.

slope is how fast you fall.

the past few weeks my slope has been getting more and more steep and every “slip” is getting a little more slippery. my doctor, whom i love, is “concerned”….and rightfully so. she and dana talked and dana seems to think she can keep me accountable. while i am nothing but honest with them both, i don’t think dana sees the seriousness of the situation because its more than just my ED symptoms that are roaring their ugly heads. self harm urges, depression, and suicidal ideations are, unfortunately, on the rise. which scares me. i have become more and more apathetic towards….ummm…..everything.

tomorrow i have my first mid-week appointment with dana, via Skype. im not excited….at all. 1) im nervous that my roommates will be able to hear me. 2)what if my sister interrupts me and makes me feel pathetic (which is not unusual).

two of the scariest words… October 11, 2012

ok. so maybe im over-reacting. but i am scared. too much knowledge isn’t always a good thing.

i was doing a little research. looking for an answer. i didnt like what i found. i am not on to call the doctor over every little hangnail, ache, or boo-boo. but my emotional mind is telling me that maybe this would be a good time to do so. yet my rattional mind is telling me im over-reacting.

the question: why did i get my period the day after having sex, a week early, im on the pill, and i’ve had it for two weeks.

i saw two of the scariest words to see, for this time in my life….pregnancy and miscarriage.

October 10, 2012

Reblogged from Liza writes to fill, feel and fall for the silence.:

right in this moment im between a 10 and an 11.....where are you at?

30 Dr. Seuss Quotes That Can Change Your Life October 8, 2012

my favorites are 19 & 26