ed recovery 101

the roller coaster of ed recovery

i can’t be there for you if i cant care for myself. June 12, 2013

i have this friend. she claims to have no other friends. so I keep in touch with her often.

however she brings me down. I am going through my own stuff and I can only be there so much before it starts to hurt me.

she says things. things that I get but that scare me. I don’t want to loose her. but its triggering and depressing. I was there in her position before. But now I am able to see the light at the end of the tunnel sometimes. she is still in complete darkness.

today I was struggling. I was trying to push away and distract myself from acting on them. she was texting me. she was struggling too. she needed me to be strong and positive for her. I freaked out on her via text message. I acted on them.

I am afraid of what she is going to do now.

 

6-2-13 (2) June 3, 2013

Filed under: Daily life — kayte k @ 10:06 pm

Don’t get me wrong…I love to swim.

I was a fish growing up. You couldn’t pull me out of the water for anything. All day and all night. I was on the swim team for years. And miss it to this day.

The smell of the chlorinated indoor pool of they CYO. The slight taste of water you get in your mouth as you stroke. The echo of parents, coaches, and teammates cheering you on after the buzzer.

The sudden flash of memories all before I go with my boyfriend to a small gathering at the pool. Granted it is an outdoor pool and 9:30pm on a Sunday. But truth be told I love to swim.

 

6-2-13

Filed under: Daily life — kayte k @ 10:05 pm

The past week or so has been crazy. My boyfriend and I took a day trip to the beach for Memorial Day, enjoyed a BBQ at my brothers, I got sick with a sinus infection and bronchitis, went to a baseball game yesterday with about 25 other people, and today we celebrated a belated Mother’s Day with a brunch. While all these things were a lot of fun (minus the being sick, of course) I do not feel happy.

I truly have been having some pretty good days recently. And to that I am SO grateful for. I even spent the whole day on the beach in a bikini without covering up what I call “my fatness.” I have truly been trying to eat at regular intervals, take my meds, and get some good sleep. Slow but steady…but all steps forward.

However I feel as if things are coming to a head as well. While all these things are great steps in the right direction my mind is doing somersaults. My head keeps telling me to give up but my heart keeps telling me to keep going. I want to be happy and content more than anything however I also want that picture to contain thinness and love of my body…my thin, trim, fit body. Not my ever growing flabby one.

One of those friends I went to the game with yesterday I have not seen in a long time. Things have not been going her way the last few months. Her boyfriend was cheating, left her broken hearted, and then her dog died. For obvious reasons she has been depressed. She started noticing she was loosing weight and not trying to at all. At first she, like every other woman, was happy to have lost those last 10 pounds that we can never seem “to get rid of.” After that she couldn’t stop. I believe her when she said she really wasn’t trying anymore and began to even look sickly to herself. Long story short she is going through all kinds of tests to try and figure what is going on with her body. I am concerned for her and her health. But then again I find myself more focused on her weight and weight loss more than anything. I guess it comes down to jealousy. I would kill to look like her.

My friends issues have been a source of conversation for the last few weeks. And every time it comes up I cringe. I seriously would kill to be at her weight. She said something yesterday that baffled me and made me realize just how distorted my thoughts really are. “I knew something was wrong when I would get dressed and see my bones sticking out. It’s disgusting. I look disgusting.”

So normal people don’t think bones are beautiful? Am I just that crazy? I would kill to have my hip bones sticking out, collar bones look like they are floating, and cheek bones that reach the sky.

I just want to cry when I think about the selfish nature of myself and thoughts. But then I get a glimpse of my reflection and that makes me want cry even more.

 

5-20-13

Filed under: Daily life — kayte k @ 10:04 pm
Tags: , ,

 

After 8 years in college, this past Saturday I finally graduated. I was so excited. This is actually a huge accomplishment for me. 

You see I have been struggling with an eating disorder for the past 13 years. I have been in and out of too many hospitals, treatment centers, inpatient, and out patient programs to even keep count anymore. I have had to take full semesters off and withdrawn in the middle of the semester. 

I am proud to have proved everyone who has ever doubted me and my ability to succeed in school wrong. My last DR at my treatment center told me my plan to leave treatment when I did was “a death sentence.” Today I sent her, along with the rest of my team there, a letter with my picture in my cap and gown holding my diploma. 

After all is said and done am I cured of my ed now that I am a college graduate, working at an internship, have an amazing boyfriend, or showed those who doubted me? HAHA, no. I struggled more this weekend and today than I have in the past. But the thing is I have accomplished one of my goals despite my ed and obsessive thoughts. 

Being a college graduate I have the opportunity to do anything with my life. I know it’s not always going to be easy but I hope it’s worth it in the end. 

This is my brutally honest journey one day at a time, to a life not only in recovery but a life recovered. 

 

racing thoughts November 25, 2012

Filed under: Daily life — kayte k @ 10:44 pm
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

(drafted 11/22/12)

there is so much i want to say. yet i can put them in any sort of cohesive order recently. so im just gonna go…

1. guilt. i have so much guilt. and my family is SO good at laying on the guilt trips. i spend too much time with my bf. i dont do anything around the house. i dont baby-sit our alcoholic mother enough.

2. fear. im scared. my ed has taken on a life almost of its own. yet i try to rationalize it by saying well its not as bad as it was. but then again it always starts somewhere…

3. anger. im tired of everything….the guilt trips, my ed, how it hurts everyone around me, the pressure to be everywhere and do everything for everyone, the pressure to be perfect, the thought that my ed is a ploy for attention. that especially PISSES me the fuck off! if my ed is a cry for attention why do i try to hide it from, well, everyone.

4. apathy. but do i really care. would i rather this just kill me now and spare the world anymore pain, annoyance, time, space, and oxygen.

 

“me time” November 13, 2012

i wish i could just turn my brain off sometimes. i am supposed to spend sometime working on myself every week. this is the first time im doing it. and i just don’t know what im suppose to do. because even when im supposed to be focusing on me and getting better the only thing that happens is my mind races. it’s so annoying. i seriously give myself headaches because my mind just never stops. im thinking about all that i have to do for school, what other people need me to do, feeling guilty about one thing or another, or work. i just want a break. i want a break from life. i just want to relax and lay around by myself and watch tv….im sorry but is that selfish? but i need to be in a bubble with no food, no money, and no access to go and get food.

with that being said the question of ‘do i really want to recover’ crossed my mind again today. it’s a really difficult and loaded question [....as i down my laxatives with my mag citrate.] honestly it hurts to think that my life has become so obsessed and pre-occupied with food and my ed. i don’t want this to hurt anyone, especially my family, but at the same time i just want it to hurt me. i know im hard on myself, i am my own worst enemy, but the truth is i feel as if i don’t deserve to treat myself better. i have done nothing to make me deserve to live a peachy life. i don’t know…i just don’t know.

but what i do know is im tired of myself. im tired of my head allllllways spinning and racing. its like my mind has been running a marathon for the last 10+ years. will i ever cross the finish line?

 

shambles… November 7, 2012

It has been a little while since I have posted anything. My life has been very hectic and chaotic recently. And while I haven’t found time to post anything i have made plenty of time to allow my ED to completely take over again.

For the past few weeks i have been lying to my dietician/therapist, mom, family, friends, boyfriend, and myself. I was making up food records and claiming to have only used my ED symptoms a few times. This is not true. i am embarrassed by my dishonesty and lack of respect for those who care about me. Today, halfway through my therapy session, i broke down and came clean. It definitely was a little relieving to my surmounting anxiety. However it did not help with any of my current urges. Right after the session I got in the car and drove directly up to school (a 2 and a half hour ride.) I made it to the first major town before i found myself hovering over a toilet in Wal-Mart deciding that if anyone says anything to “the girl puking in the bathroom” i would go with the “oh, im ok. just some morning sickness…” excuse. PATHETIC!

My next step was to call a friend from TK—> no answer.  Then called TK to talk to another friend—>she was at an offsite meeting. So i was alone with my thoughts which led to tears. And the tears did not stop still. Sitting in front of my computer for 3 hours trying to figure out 3 Stats problems and then to hear my country has officially gone to the shitter with bo-bama being re-elected. So even if i ever needed to go back to treatment it wouldn’t be covered by insurance. i don’t think treatment is for me…kind of like a been there, done that; been there, done that; been there……ya get the point.

Well, with all that being said, i do not know what to do. i am truly afraid of what i am doing. i guess im really questioning if i really can recover or if i even want to at that. it’s not like i havent been around the block before…i know the skills, i know what i am supposed to do, i know which is the “right” thing to do but it’s as if there is a complete mental block when it comes to the fact of me putting them into action.

my life has gone to shambles….it has been completely consumed by insane compulsively obsessive thoughts of food, weight, calories, numbers, where im going to purge, how im going to restrict…etc.

 

 
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