It has been a little while since I have posted anything. My life has been very hectic and chaotic recently. And while I haven’t found time to post anything i have made plenty of time to allow my ED to completely take over again.
For the past few weeks i have been lying to my dietician/therapist, mom, family, friends, boyfriend, and myself. I was making up food records and claiming to have only used my ED symptoms a few times. This is not true. i am embarrassed by my dishonesty and lack of respect for those who care about me. Today, halfway through my therapy session, i broke down and came clean. It definitely was a little relieving to my surmounting anxiety. However it did not help with any of my current urges. Right after the session I got in the car and drove directly up to school (a 2 and a half hour ride.) I made it to the first major town before i found myself hovering over a toilet in Wal-Mart deciding that if anyone says anything to “the girl puking in the bathroom” i would go with the “oh, im ok. just some morning sickness…” excuse. PATHETIC!
My next step was to call a friend from TK—> no answer. Then called TK to talk to another friend—>she was at an offsite meeting. So i was alone with my thoughts which led to tears. And the tears did not stop still. Sitting in front of my computer for 3 hours trying to figure out 3 Stats problems and then to hear my country has officially gone to the shitter with bo-bama being re-elected. So even if i ever needed to go back to treatment it wouldn’t be covered by insurance. i don’t think treatment is for me…kind of like a been there, done that; been there, done that; been there……ya get the point.
Well, with all that being said, i do not know what to do. i am truly afraid of what i am doing. i guess im really questioning if i really can recover or if i even want to at that. it’s not like i havent been around the block before…i know the skills, i know what i am supposed to do, i know which is the “right” thing to do but it’s as if there is a complete mental block when it comes to the fact of me putting them into action.
my life has gone to shambles….it has been completely consumed by insane compulsively obsessive thoughts of food, weight, calories, numbers, where im going to purge, how im going to restrict…etc.